Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
