Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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