three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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