i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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