I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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