i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
