there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
