there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He felt like a one man threesome
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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