If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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