I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
