o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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