What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
