How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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