Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
