I just made out with a guy for $7.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
