Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
