if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
