I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
