party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
