My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
