It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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