I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
