No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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