You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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