Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
