I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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