I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
