Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
