I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
