You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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