who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
