My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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