Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
