My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
