So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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