i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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