So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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