the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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