Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
