So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
