It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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