Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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