i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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