$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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