Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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