i permit you to call me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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