i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
