the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
