I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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