I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
