I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
