I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
