the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
