someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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