I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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