i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
