He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
