I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
