you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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