he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
