i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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