I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
