so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
well you can't waste a boner
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
