I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
