I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
