bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
