i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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